If you watched HBO”The White Lotus“, you know the holidays go wrong. Over cocktails on the beach, away from the monotony of work and kids, you and your partner might realize what makes you most – or least – compatible.
“You learn some of the nuances or quirks of a person’s personality when you travel with them, that’s for sure,” says Moe Ari Browna licensed marriage and family therapist.
Does that mean spending a vacation together could end a love relationship for real?
Vacations can certainly teach us a lot about relationships, experts say, but they don’t necessarily create or destroy relationships on their own.
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What do the holidays teach us about our relationships?
- Different people have different expectations. “Some wish to relax and unwind,” he says Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Others seek adventure, learning, discovery, or a combination of these things.
- Our partners may have hidden parts of their personality – but it’s not always bad. “Think of new things you learn as information,” says Brown. “But try not to be judgmental about these things.”
- That said, definitely pay attention to yours partner behavior. “When I travel with a partner, I’m very careful about how they treat workers such as hotel staff, vendors and tour guides,” he says. Melody LiLMFT and founder of Inclusive therapists. Their attitude towards people working in the service of travelers says a lot about their values, especially because traveling is a privilege and a luxury that many cannot afford.
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Are holidays really a “test” for relationships?
Yes and no.
“The stakes are higher because vacations often involve an investment of time and money and are usually away from home, putting both parties out of their element in a shared space for a set amount of time,” says Petiford. “There are usually high expectations around the holidays. And too often it’s assumed that the other person is on the same page, which can be problematic.”
But don’t necessarily think of vacations as pressure cookers or ultimate relationship health answers.
“Living together can be like a pressure cooker, while vacations are like cooking your rice in a pot,” Brown says.
That said, “if you’re not already living together, it can be a sudden change,” adds Petiford.
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What should couples do to prepare for their vacation?
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. “Try to understand what your partner wants out of the experience as best you can, and be sure to express what you want from the time spent,” Petiford says. Brown recommends planning an itinerary together and working out any issues that may arise in advance, such as deciding on transportation and meals.
- Remember that vacations can’t fix what isn’t working at home. “Couples can have a great time while traveling and feel a harder impact of falling back into a slump when they get home,” Li says. Vacations can be the nuggets of a relationship if the basis of connection and privacy is constantly maintained.
- Save a few problems for when you get home. It might be best to set aside concerns for your return – but when you do, be specific about it. “Once you’re clear, talk with your partner about how you felt when specific behaviors occurred, making sure to ask for what you need instead,” says Petiford. “We are much more likely to meet our needs if we ask for what we want.”
- It’s normal to be nervous… “I want to remind everyone who is going on a trip with their partner for the first time, that it is the first time and that there can be so much anxiety, so much expectation, so much newness linked to the fact going on vacation for the first time.” , a lot of pressure to make it happen perfectly,” Brown said.
- …but don’t let it spoil the pleasure potential. Brown adds: “Often the pressure can get to us and then we come across as more anxious or fearful than we would have liked.”
Basically, be yourself so you can go home to a happy, healthy relationship — and hopefully a tan.
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